It has been awhile since i have wanted to write here. I have had a few musings of things to write, but never something fully formed i wanted to take the time to write about. Still don’t really, so I am going to cobble a few ideas together….bear with me….
The last 5-6 years have been the worst and the best all at the same time. I have been a version of myself I never wanted to be. That caused people that I had formed close relationships to stop speaking to me. I dearly miss them and think of them often. I have been a great version of myself as well and made some other amazing friends.
I have lost jobs, had amazing opportunities, shied away from others because of fear of failure, embraced others because i wanted the challenge…through it all I have still stayed standing (metaphorically speaking) I continue to put myself out into the world. I know to some, or many, my life may seem like a failure or a waste, but i am working on me and every experience takes me closer to who I want to be!
So, a rundown of some aspects of my life:
Dating, because everyone is always curious. This one is tough for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and put myself out there. Which, sadly means I get hurt a lot. I have dated a few people. It has almost to a “T” gone like this every time. “On paper you are exactly what I am looking for and want. You are amazing and kind and thoughtful. I am just not in a place right now to date and think i need this time to myself.” I always appreciate the honesty, and fully support someone doing what is right for them. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. What makes this all the more frustrating, is that literally within a week, all of them have started dating someone else. WTF!!!! In two instances they ended up marrying or engaged to the person right after me. So ladies, if you are looking for that forever someone, date me for 2 months! The next person will be your forever person! LOL!
Job: Teaching yoga and other part-time gigs was fun for a while. I loved the free time i had and getting to sleep in! However, it was not financially stable. I finally found a job at a school that pays really well that i can actually support myself on!! I am an Educational Assistant at a level 4 special ed school. I absolutely love it!! I even teach my class yoga and breathing on a daily basis! It is extremely challenging and rewarding! Even better is that once i have been there for a year, they will pay 50% of my tuition to finish off my schooling so that i can be a certified teacher! There are a lot of teachers in my school that started off the same way! It is a great track to be on!! I am finally feeling like I am back on the track that i need to be on!
Mental Health: I am doing GREAT!!! By this i mean I finally have the skills and tools to cope with my depression! My therapist is amazing and I have stayed on my meds instead of going off of them because I “feel” better. I still have up days and down days. But I don’t get stuck in it or stay in my hole like before.
Physical Health: this is my biggest struggle. I have never been able to find the self motivation to stay on a good workout track by myself. I am motivated more when i have a partner to do these things with. That is still a challenge for me. I am still keeping the weight down, but I would like to now tone it all up and get rid of the proverbial beer belly. This still causes me a lot of anxiety and I am very self-conscious about it. My goal is to start back at a gym and start lifting weights again. That is, as soon as my latest concussion clears up…I slipped and fell on the ice face first. Don’t worry, it wasn’t a really bad one, but given my history, I am taking it easy and have been taking care of myself before it can get out of control! I still love my yoga and do it almost everyday, but I need to mix some weight training back in! Hopefully a year from now I can post some great before and after pics!!
For now, know that life is good! I am happy, even with all that has happened. I have friends, a great place to live with an amazing roommate and meet new and interesting people everyday!
I will leave you with 2 favorite pics of mine! One is my yoga “wife” Beth. She is a great friend and I love her dearly! The other is my great friend Randy! My yoga “husband”! He and I love our Dangerous Man beer and try to go often!